whenever I'm alone with you

Long time no post - been ok, not much to say right now - maintaining my life as it is... a little lonely at times.  I have been out on some interesting (read crappy) dates.  Finding out who I am, and what I want is a terribly time consuming issue. 

Whatever.

I am just at the point where I don't know what to say anymore - I believe that staying single is probably the best way for me to go... will help with the trust and faith in men issue. LOL.  We'll   see what happens. 

good day, sunshine...

Weddings wedding everywhere... and not a minute to sleep!

Just Kidding - my little cousin is getting married in two days - wow.  It seems like only yesterday she was sitting in her little Michael Jackson T-shirt on her front porch... I am glad she has found someone that makes her happy, and vice versa...

I'm singing at the wedding.  Can you say petrified?  I can.  I feel it. 

She doesn't like being front and center either, so we have that in common...  BUT.  She will make a stunning bride - and that is what I am looking forward to - knowing that I make part of her day special ( I hope)

So.  Tomorrow night rehearsal - will try to post pics - then Saturday meeting with the string quartet to practice (one and only time) before the wedding. 

Wish me luck!

that our flag was still there...

.  On this 10th anniversary of September 11, I am filled with sadness at the lives lost, yet bolstered by the thought that we as a Nation, are stronger people.  New Yorkers have guts, stubborn natures, and will fight every day for our Independence.
 I found this quote:

The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost.

~Arthur Schopenhauer

It seems to sum it up.  While we grieve for those lives lost, we can treasure those lives that we have with us now. I am not a praying person... I believe that every religion has its benefit and its detriment, and I believe that we all should have the choice as to what to practice, and what to preach.  I'll leave it with these thoughts...

We acquire the strength we have overcome. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

While we are mourning the loss of our friend, others are rejoicing to meet him behind the veil. ~John Taylor

Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies. ~Erich Fromm

and one of my favorites...

It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom - for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself.
The Declaration of Arbroath

Love to all.

Rolling in the Deep

I love this song... her voice speaks to me, gives me goosebumps.  I feel I've reached the end of the  decision making, and the betrayal.  So, live, laugh and love - give up what is lost, and move onto different places and people.  Others lost and lose far more.  Self respect, morals and dignity.  I got the better end of the deal...

So, rolling in the deep -

There's a fire starting in my heart

Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark

Finally I can see you crystal clear

Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare

See how I'll leave, with every piece of you

Don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart

Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all

The scars of your love, they leave me breathless

I can't help feeling

We could have had it all

Rolling in the deep

You had my heart inside your hand

And you played it to the beat

Baby, I have no story to be told

But I've heard one of you and I'm gonna make your head burn

Think of me in the depths of your despair

Making a home down there as mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love remind you of us

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all

The scars of your love, they leave me breathless

I can't help feeling

We could have had it all

Rolling in the deep

You had my heart inside your hand

And you played it to the beat

Could have had it all

Rolling in the deep

You had my heart inside your hand

But you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door

Count your blessings to find what you look for

Turn my sorrow into treasured gold

You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)

We could have had it all

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)

It all, it all, it all, it all

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)

We could have had it all

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Rolling in the deep

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)

You had my heart and soul

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

And you played it to the beat

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)

Could have had it all

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Rolling in the deep

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)

You had my heart and soul in your hand

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

But you played it, you played it, you played it to the beat

oh yes.

Few Clouds			71°F Feels Like: 71°
Wind Chill:	71°		Ceiling:	Unl
Heat Index:	71°		Visibility:	10mi
Dew Point:	58°		Wind:	5mph
Humidity:	63%		Direction:	20° (NNE)
Pressure:	29.75"		Gusts:	NA

Fresh from my visit to the lovely emerald city (stolen from James)  - I had a perfectly lovely time - beautiful drive out there, and meeting up with Kim and Nadine for a few Margaritas at Zebbs... the perfect beginning... then followed by a night of cranberry margaritas (ohhh so yummy) with Kate, Lisa and Mary looking at purses and such? Lovely. 

The fact that these women are my ex's family and friends still stun me - although it makes me so glad that I have them in my life... they bring a very rounded aspect to my existence, and they have taught me that patience can occasionally carry the day - not to mention a few hours of hysterical laughter...

Then a night in a hotel, followed by a great breakfast with a relatively new friend, Mitzie - It's funny how much we have in common, this lady and I.

I also got to hear about how I had been lied to for the first few months of my relationship with James.  Now, tell me - when someone says "I didn't sleep with anyone else while I was with you" you would tend to take that as face value, correct?  Guess I should have asked, "and how long was that in your mind?" Finding out that he lied? Yes, well... somehow doesn't surprise me.  Hurts me, yes.  Breaks another piece of my heart, yes.  Surprises me... no. 

So it comes down to this part... I miss this person, although I don't know about having a relationship with him ever again with a modicum of trust.  So friends, I can handle.  I don't know if he can.  I've tried to reach him, to figure out if I really do miss him, or if it is a reaction to everything else in my life.  I'll keep trying, and at some point, I'll get to ask him about all this - maybe.  I have a few things to tell him anyway, not that they will matter, but they weigh on my soul. 


Ah.  My heart hurts.

How about a little Green Day:

Another turning point;
A fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;
Directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test and don't ask why.
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories
And dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth,
It was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So make the best of this task and don't ask why.
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

fondly

It has been quite the week - non stop really. 
Last Sunday, birthday party, working 6 days all week, meeting up with old friends, family showers, Not to mention watching a 7 year old, and trying to keep up a good mood... and sadness - my friend's father dying so far before his time.  Friend losing their dog - poor guy :(

This has been quite the year - I wish I could understand people...
what makes them think that when they cheat on their husbands/wives that they will not live to regret it?  What possesses a man to rape his 11 year old daughter? What can people find amusing or entertaining about beating a puppy?  Why are people so stupid that they can't see what they have until it's gone. 

When you hurt someone - it will come back to you.
when you can't accept who you are, and always look to be someone that you "think" you need to be... you lose yourself. 
When you hurt someone who loves you - it isn't forgotten.  It's up to the person you hurt to decide whether they want to be forgiving - and if they are? ACCEPT it.  Don't be a dick. Life is to frigging short to be an asshole.

So bearing this in mind, a song comes to mind...



Baby, I see this world has made you sad
Some people can be bad
The things they do, the things they say
But baby, I'll wipe away those bitter tears
I'll chase away those restless fears
that turn your blue skies into grey


Why Worry
there should be laughter after pain
there should be sunshine after rain
these things have always been the same
so why worry now?
Why worry now?


Baby, when I get down I turn to you
and you make sense of what I do
I know it isn't hard to say
But baby, just when this world seems mean and cold
our love comes shining red and gold
and all the rest is by the way


So why worry
there should be laughter after pain
there should be sunshine after rain
these things have always been the same
so why worry now?
why worry now?

The missing doesn't stop.  Losing someone whether by death or just plain old stupidity is the same feeling.  Complete emptiness and utter sadness.  you can fill it with alcohol, food, sex or drugs... but it doesn't work.  Wish I could help.

Let it rain

We walked the narrow path,
beneath the smoking skies.
Sometimes you can barely tell the difference
between darkness and light.
Do you have faith
in what we believe?
The truest test is when we cannot,
when we cannot see.

I hear pounding feet in the,
in the streets below, and the,
and the women crying and the,
and the children know that there,
that there's something wrong,
and it's hard to believe that love will prevail.

Oh it won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall forever.

Oh, when I'm lonely,
I lie awake at night
and I wish you were here.
I miss you.
Can you tell me
is there something more to believe in?
Or is this all there is?

In the pounding feet, in the,
In the streets below, and the,
And the window breaks and,
And a woman falls, there's,
There's something wrong, it's,
It's so hard to believe that love will prevail.

Oh it won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall
forever.

Last night I had a dream.
You came into my room,
you took me into your arms.
Whispering and kissing me,
and telling me to still believe.
But then the emptiness of a burning sea against which we see
our darkest of sadness.

Until I felt safe and warm.
I fell asleep in your arms.
When I awoke I cried again for you were gone.
Oh, can you hear me?

It won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall forever.
It won't rain all the time
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall,
your tears won't fall
forever.
This has to possibly be one of my favorite movies - and I love this song.

Today it's about to pour... yesterday I was surprised by the girls at work with a late birthday celebration  - sneaky bitches (this i say and mean with love) 

This begins the week from hell 6 day workweek with an added sides of my brothers birthday on Friday, lunch with an old H.S. friend on Saturday and a bridal shower on Sunday.  This July is pretty much killing me. 

Going to be singing in October at a wedding - another step for me - singing in public scares me, and I love to sing - it's more the people looking at me while I sing thing :D  It's fine, it's something I have to push myself to do. 

today it's:

Overcast			77°F Feels Like: 79°
Wind Chill:	77°		Ceiling:	20000
Heat Index:	79°		Visibility:	9mi
Dew Point:	66°		Wind:	5mph
Humidity:	69%		Direction:	180° (S)
Pressure:	29.93"		Gusts:	NA

 which is much cooler than it has been, thank you so very much! I do love the rain though... lying curled up in bed with someone you love, listening to the rain patter on the roof - that is contentment. (remind me to find that again sometime)

change is inevitable

Broken Clouds			71°F Feels Like: 71°
Wind Chill:	71°		Ceiling:	25000
Heat Index:	71°		Visibility:	10mi
Dew Point:	61°		Wind:	0mph
Humidity:	70%		Direction:	NA NA
Pressure:	30.16"		Gusts:	NA

Good morning, it's Sunny and breezy in the fair village of Scotia, and even though I do have to work today, I can enjoy the morning off.  :)  A little Facebook, a little Netflix - and all sitting outside enjoying the sunshine.  :)  Yay. 

Tonight I go with other Managers to see our D.M. play with  Up All Night.  This is a wee bit odd for all of us, since (as when we were young) our bosses (teachers) didn't have a life outside of work.  It's all good, it'll be great.  They seem like they're pretty decent, so should be a good night, and then again, I don't work tomorrow.  Oh goodie.  :) 

Went to see Enter the Haggis on Thursday!  Man,  do I enjoy some good Irish music!  They're coming back in September for the Irish Fest in Saratoga, along with some other fantastic bands... looking forward to that.  :)  O.K. Off to get ready for work, woo hoo!

Time keeps on ticking...

Well, with Pink Floyd in my head... how else could I start this?  :) 

Ticking away the moments

 that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours

 in an off-hand way
Kicking around on a piece

of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something

 to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine

 staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long

 and there is time to kill today
And then the one day you find

ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run,

 you missed the starting gun
And you run and you run

to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way,

but you're older
And shorter of breath

 and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter,

never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught

 or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation

 is the English way
The time is gone the song is over,

 thought I'd something more to say

5 days past my 40th birthday - and the celebrating is still going on  - have I mentioned before that I am not especially a fan of surprises?  Yeah. Not. A. Fan.

Some surprises are wonderful, a friend getting married, a new baby on the way, flowers for no reason... those are the things in life that are perfect surprises.  It comes as no surprise to me that I need to finish something that I began years ago.  I think maybe I'll sleep better, or perhaps be able to let go if I finish it.  I don't know.  I can't talk about it with any of my friends, because they have a VERY clear thought process on what I should do about him.  Ignore, possibly torment and torture.  It used to be my way - I was the queen of revenge, served ice cold, thank you very much.  However... what does that get me, in the long run?  A soul that hurts, a mind that is filled with horrible thoughts and a heart that breaks and builds more walls around the walls that are already there.  I don't really know what to do to fix it, I don't know what to say, but I have to figure it out.  Maybe it will provide closure, or maybe it will bring something back to my life that I have missed;  Hope, Love and Friendship. we'll see.

 Black irises - they are just so pretty, took this after a horrendous storm out in the finger lakes

This is by Ballston Lake - the area has slowly evolved into a swampy mess in certain areas, but the lake is beautiful on the other side, and the water is starting to flow through the mangled trees, thought this was an interesting bending and cracking.

Oh, say can you see?

This weekend is the annual fourth of July bash at my friend's house - SO am looking forward to this... great friends, swimming, good food - and fantastic fireworks.  I have to say they rival the local displays and definitely kick most off the map.


The whole point of this...


to enjoy your time.
well, MY time.
I haven't been looking after myself as well as I should, mentally, anyway - working too much, stressing over things I can't change, Missing an ex who I shouldn't ever want to see again, driving myself into a flurry of stress related activities is NOT the best plan.  I need this time to relax, and I am taking it. 
I can't do much about him, nor can I stop the working.  (bills, ya know - they get testy when they don't get paid) but I can learn, on this my 40th year of existence, to chill out and take it as it comes.


I did decide to take my artistic endeavors back, entering photo's into competitions, even if I place, it is a giant step for me.  It's something that I love to do, and I like what I see in the camera.    So, in the spirit of Independence Day...

Celebrate your life and all who are in it... whether they are a past, a future or a now... you only keep the people in your life with whom you actually want to interact, even if it's only casually.  Enjoy them, they bring much love and pleasure to you.

Coming Soon...

This is a new endeavor for me... so please bear with me as I learn the ins and outs of the systems.    I have read many blogs and noticed the freedoms that come with the unburdening of your mind - freeform writing has nothing at all on the internet - type what you think and *poof* it's out there, whether you want it to be or not. 

So what does a retail manager/artist/performer/singer do on her blog?  Funny you should ask - I have absolutely no idea. Nope.  Not a clue.  I think that I will just start here, and see what comes out next... could be interesting, could be boring as hell...
in the meantime, this is a little sample of my work: